The more I think about the Imposter Syndrome, and how many
women have bought in, the angrier I get.
Here is the thing: I think to imply that the imposter syndrome is a
gender thing is doing men a disservice.
I can’t tell you how many of my male friends have indicated that they
too, fake it until they make it, and even then feel as if they have fooled
their bosses; that sooner or later someone will call them out; and that they
will be asked to go home any day now. Like women do. I don't think women get to claim this one. I think that may be they are more likely to cop to feeling this way, but it isn't something that women can claim as theirs.
To imply that women only feel this way is to create a gender
issue where there is none. In
fact, it gives tacit permission for women to buy into the same old, same old
implication that women are not as good at science, technology, engineering and
math (STEM) that men are. Except,
we are the ones who think that now. The benevolent sexism that women subject
themselves to when buying into the Imposter Syndrome as female based helps us
not. In fact, it only serves to
reinstate and validate the status quo of the male as the engineer who is
changing the world.
Yesterday, at a memorial service for a man who never once
treated his daughters as less than, his best friend’s wife told me that she
thinks that women have done themselves a disservice by wanting equality. After all, she told me, men have an ego
that is a little more fragile, and to ask for equality leaves them blinking in
the dust and not knowing their role.
I was startled, and while a part of me understands that she sees herself
as a strong woman, I can’t help but think she got there at the expense of her
husband. To me, that attitude
infantilizes men. It creates them
as children who must unwittingly follow the female lead in order to feel good
about themselves.
This is not the kind of equality I am fighting for.
And I am not sure that having a gender role is a good thing, so maybe leaving them blinking in the dust is okay. They will either step up, or get left behind.
I think all of us have gotten ourselves into situations in
which we need to sink or swim. We
either begin paddling and stroking for shore, or we go down in a spectacular
puddle of bubbles. I don’t think
this experience is specific to a gender.
Some things just are not gender issues. And I for one, am navigating a new world of technology and
social interaction, as are many of my friends. Maybe it is the reason why I am still single, but I think we
are all negotiating our way in the world, in relationship, in technology, in a
new job, in a new career. I am not
sure my gender plays a significant part, at least in this. Or maybe I am just really bad a at navigating.
photo credit: mikebaird (this photo is one of my favorite mini stories)