Monday, May 21, 2012

There is no Just World, just a world that changes

Okay, so one of the worst things that can happen to a person has happened.  The career that I trained for, the doctorate that I traded my soul away for, it has all been taken away by a broken person, who isn’t smart enough to compete against my left pinky.  She got lucky and nailed me on a technicality that she wasn’t even aware of, and that legally she can’t nail me for.   The truth is I wasn’t aware of it either or I would have taken care of it.
In a Just World I could go after her.  But if I did that I would be scorching the earth behind me like a petulant child, and hurting people who have been good to me in the past.  It is not, sadly, the right thing to do.  Even though it is Just.
            It is seductive to believe in the Just World.  That if we are good people who do the right thing and listen to the teacher when she says not to eat the paste, we will get good grades and be a good person.  There must be a blueprint out there somewhere on how to do this, right?  So many people seem to have gotten those homework notes.  I missed them somehow.  It has never been clear where I fit.  Until I walked into the classroom, and began to teach.  Until I left grad school with an understanding of how to do research to understand human behavior.  And let me be clear with this last one, I understand how to do the research, but not all of human behavior (human behavior surprises me still).
            And if I look at this objectively, this is not the first time I have encountered the ridiculousness of morality, and not the first time I have been the one in the room with the least amount of power. I spoke Truth to Power.  Usually, this works out well, and I am appreciated and even promoted for doing this.  Not this time. 
            I think this is a good thing, even though at first I wasn’t sure of that.  I still love teaching and I still understand how to do research, and I am fascinated by the human computer interaction.  So I am going back into a grad program to learn more about this and then back out into the corporate world to use this knowledge.  I am pretty excited for the next chapter, even in my 40s when I am supposed to be living a settled life and own things I don’t own (like a house).  It will be interesting see how this works out, and whether or not I will ever own a house.  (Not that I necessarily want one).  And whether or not I will ever understand Human Behavior.

photo credit:lindsetya