Thursday, October 17, 2013

And so it has ended, And so it begins

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I used to think I was a winner.  I worked hard and achieved things and was well liked.  I didn’t take into account the things that are out of my control.

In the past eighteen months I have lost, and lost badly.  I have lost a career that I worked towards for ten years before working in it for thirteen due to the vindictiveness of one woman in power.  I lost a young woman who became a dear friend, and who would have become a lifelong friend to uterine cancer.  Finally, and finally, the biggest blow of all, my sweet little twinkly girl, my mother.

I have not properly grieved for any of them.  I was in school, I had things to do, I was busy, my portfolio needed to get done etc.  All the things we tell ourselves in this go go go work ethic world.  We are allowed three days for mourning.  That is all.  Three days.  I bought in.  This was pointed out to me by a man I call “fucking Sean,” because he is always right and I find myself kicking the wall and uttering those words when I realize it.  I pay him to be my spiritual advisor.

Nine days is not enough for me to heal from these three major losses.  I look around my house and realize that the detritus of failing to heal, failing to move on, failing, is all around me.  My mother’s death, while expected, natural and part of the way of things, is also heartbreaking, devastating, and new chapter in my life. I know I need to make some decisions.  There are projects half done, undone, not ever started, and it is overwhelming.  My excuse before was that I did not have the money.  I do not have that excuse anymore. The money I inherited is a gift that will allow me to get healthy.  I have to see it this way and not as something that I don’t deserve because I didn’t work hard enough, and am choosing not to work super hard right now.  Because the truth is, I am not sure what to work super hard for.

So.  I have decided that my focus is on finishing these projects.  It is time for me to live the life of a grown up and that means throwing out the habits and objects of my childhood that no longer aid me in my life. It will be small steps and small changes.  I know that this is the only way I can move right now. I will be taking before and after photos of my garden, my home, my patio, my storage and my body.  This journey will be intense and real and as a writer I will have to write about it in addition to getting the novel done. I hope you join me on this trip.