I used to think I was a winner. I worked hard and achieved things and was
well liked. I didn’t take into account
the things that are out of my control.
In the past eighteen months I have lost, and lost
badly. I have lost a career that I
worked towards for ten years before working in it for thirteen due to the
vindictiveness of one woman in power. I
lost a young woman who became a dear friend, and who would have become a lifelong
friend to uterine cancer. Finally, and
finally, the biggest blow of all, my sweet little twinkly girl, my mother.
I have not properly grieved for any of them. I was in school, I had things to do, I was
busy, my portfolio needed to get done etc.
All the things we tell ourselves in this go go go work ethic world. We are allowed three days for mourning. That is all.
Three days. I bought in. This was pointed out to me by a man I call “fucking
Sean,” because he is always right and I find myself kicking the wall and
uttering those words when I realize it.
I pay him to be my spiritual advisor.
Nine days is not enough for me to heal from these three
major losses. I look around my house and
realize that the detritus of failing to heal, failing to move on, failing, is
all around me. My mother’s death, while
expected, natural and part of the way of things, is also heartbreaking,
devastating, and new chapter in my life. I know I need to make some decisions. There are projects half done, undone, not
ever started, and it is overwhelming. My
excuse before was that I did not have the money. I do not have that excuse anymore. The money
I inherited is a gift that will allow me to get healthy. I have to see it this way and not as
something that I don’t deserve because I didn’t work hard enough, and am
choosing not to work super hard right now.
Because the truth is, I am not sure what to work super hard for.
So. I have decided
that my focus is on finishing these projects.
It is time for me to live the life of a grown up and that means throwing
out the habits and objects of my childhood that no longer aid me in my life. It
will be small steps and small changes. I
know that this is the only way I can move right now. I will be taking before
and after photos of my garden, my home, my patio, my storage and my body. This journey will be intense and real and as
a writer I will have to write about it in addition to getting the novel done. I
hope you join me on this trip.
